How to Have Sex with Kahlan Amnell Without Dying
by hrhrionastar
Summary: Cara writes a list. Then Richard finds it. Then Kahlan finds it...this is a parody. R/K/C.


_How to Have Sex with Kahlan Amnell Without Suffering an Agonizing Death by Confession_

by Cara Mason

1. Quillion

To which Kahlan's response will be: "Cara, the world needs Confessors. I couldn't possibly give up my powers, and I marvel that you should ask it of me."

(May also provoke Con Dar; avoid if possible)

2. Rada'Han

Unfortunately, the only Rada'Han I've ever even seen belonged to Lord Rahl - Darken Rahl, that is - and since he kept it in the back of his closet in the People's Palace it has probably been stolen by some enterprising noble by now, which means we'll never see it again—until whoever-it-is decides to capture Kahlan because of the prophecy and I have to rescue her, while Richard insists whoever-it-is deserves a second chance and is just misunderstood, and the Wizard complains of hunger and tries to catch me off-guard with some sort of insightful comment.

3. Amla oil

Which is poisonous in large quantities, or when taken repeatedly. I could never ask Kahlan to do that to herself.

4. Nejingian spell-cord

This would _definitely _work, but it's even more rare than a Rada'Han, and they're not exactly a copper a dozen. Maybe after Richard saves the world we can all go to the Southlands…the Wizard would love Eldoria, they're famous for both their cuisine and their long magical history; and I could get some spell-cord in Nejingia.

Still, that plan means I have to wait.

5. Just wing it

I'm almost certain Kahlan's powers won't affect me if we're not touching bare skin to skin, and although that would be a pity, something's better than nothing.

Besides, pleasuring Kahlan would be worth a little risk.

Too bad she'd never agree…

**Cara—while this was a fascinating find (you should probably make sure your crumpled pieces of parchment actually land in the fire, rather than next to it), I happen to know Nejingian spell-cord won't work, because Kahlan's father bound her hands when she was younger—she'd never agree to it, and I won't have you taking advantage of her vulnerability on the subject.**

**You are NOT giving Kahlan amla oil, so don't even think about it. I'll forbid you as your Lord Rahl, if necessary.**

**-Richard**

How dare you pick up my crumpled pieces of parchment—I swear, if you weren't Lord Rahl, I would make you suffer for this!

And if you don't have anything helpful to add, I don't know why you're even writing to me. Shouldn't you be cuddling with Kahlan? She looks cold.

**You look cold. Come here already; there's plenty of room on our side of the fire. It'll be just like the last time we snuggled up together.**

You just want to see me naked again.

**Seriously, you don't want to catch something…how will we ever convince Kahlan to 'just wing it' if you're sneezing all over her?**

_Oh, my Creator._

_Flattered as I am by the fact that both of you have such enterprising designs upon my virtue, need I remind you that 'just winging it' will almost certainly result in dire consequences? I could never forgive myself if harm came to either of you because of me._

_And what last time you snuggled up together?_

Richard. This is a secret document. You remember secrets, right? That's when we don't tell people things. Or let Kahlan snatch the bit of parchment out of your hands because you're so busy staring at her breasts.

(They're very nice breasts, Kahlan.)

You know Richard loves only you, your souls are destined for one another across time, etcetera. I'll stop getting in your way.

_Cara, don't you dare run off hunting in the middle of our conversation! If you don't come over here and snuggle with Richard and me, you'll catch your death! And if you think I'm letting you go now, after you've given so much thought to how we might be together—_

**What Kahlan's trying to say, Cara, is that we love you. And personally I think your list is great, even if I could never try most of those things because Kahlan's powers are a part of her, and I love every part of her with every fiber of my being. **

Creator, you are such a romantic. Fine, I'll stay…but only because there's no reason to go hunting when we've already eaten, even if the Wizard will finish everything before breakfast.

_Oh, Richard! I love you, too!_

_I just want you to know that even if we never find a way to be together, you will always be in my heart._

_And I'd consider the Nejingian spell-cord…I know my fears are irrational. I trust you…and I trust Cara._

_About that—are you sure you're not upset about me and Cara? I mean, if we ever…_

**Kahlan, I love you more than I've ever loved anyone. If you want to be with Cara, all I ask is that you're careful, because I don't want to see her get hurt.**

**If you want me to stay out of your way, just tell me. I know Cara loves you, and I trust her with my life. She'll be good to you.**

**All I want is your happiness.**

If you're quite finished—

_Cara. I'm going to kiss you, now, so kindly shut up._

* * *

><p><em>So…I have to ask: Rahl really kept a Rada'Han in the back of his closet?<em>

Yes, but it won't still be there, more's the pity.

**I'm starting to regret not keeping the one the Sisters of the Light forced me to wear.**

_While we're on that subject, I want you both to know that you have my blanket permission to take advantage of me if I'm ever split into more than one of me, or lose my powers, or something. I trust you._

**Likewise—the next time someone else Confesses me, go through with it.**

It's nice to see you both talking sense, but I wish you wouldn't tempt me.

**No, you don't. You like it, admit it.**

I admit nothing.

I must beg to differ. So this is what you three have been scribbling for the past half an hour. Stop passing notes and pay attention—we'll never find the Stone of Tears at this rate. Don't you ever think about anything besides your hormones?

Says the man who complains about his growling stomach during baneling attacks.

_Cara, play nice._

_Zedd, I don't suppose you know where we might get some Nejingian spell-cord…? Forget I asked._

_Richard…oh, Creator, that feels good. Don't stop._

Do you mind?

Relax, Wizard. It's just a neck massage.

**I have a question. If all four of us are passing notes now, why don't we just talk out loud?**


End file.
